World's Only Breathing Heart Donor
by Tygershark
Summary: Regret and guilt can be overwhelming and sometimes you'd do ANYTHING to fix what's wrong. But it's harder to survive knowing what must be done is the very thing that will tear you apart. In the wake of "Triangle" Mulder has withdrawn and desperately tries to find the strength to do what he must. Scully is left wondering exactly which personal hell Mulder is wandering through.
1. Chapter 1

Title: World's Only Breathing Heart Donor

Author: Tygershark

KEYWORDS: S MSR Mulder & Scully Angst.

RATING: M for language

SPOILERS: Big time reference to Triangle and various other ep's up to that.

SUMMARY: Regret and guilt can be an overwhelming force and sometimes you would do ANYTHING to fix what's wrong. But it's harder to survive knowing what must be done is the very thing that will tear you apart. In the wake of "Triangle" Mulder has withdrawn and desperately tries to find the strength to do what he knows he must. Scully is left wondering exactly which personal hell Mulder is wandering through.

DISCLAIMER: Who would believe that I own these characters anyway? If I did they'd be having a GOOD time but then maybe no one would watch the show. So it's better that I don't own them, but I can through the miracle of fan fic weave my own tangled web. And wallow in my delusions of grandeur.

Ok just a general caution. It seems that the only stories I can crank out are angst-o-rama, shipper-fests. Someday I might be able to break out of the mold and do a little humor but for now MSR goes on and angst is plentiful, so if you're not into that you may not dig this one. I am a shipper and a Mulderist so my stuff leans to that genre. So if MSR upsets you just close your eyes and yell out "Happy Place, Happy Place" and hit the back button and read something else. But to those who want to believe I invite you to read and hopefully enjoy.

Let me know if you like this story. It's only my third one but hopefully there is some improvement. As always positive feedback will be loved and cherished. Negative feedback will be brooded over. 

* * *

Fox Mulder sat absently watching the TV screen, not even caring that his beloved Knicks were down by 13 points. It was early Sunday evening and Mulder had already run out of things to do. He tried hard to keep himself occupied all weekend. He got up that morning determined not to spend the day moping around the apartment. He thought about going for a work out or maybe a pick up game. 

Of course one minor concern like only one pair of clean underwear left and one clean suit seemed to have priority. So it looked like laundry and a trip to the cleaners on the morning's agenda. Well he could just go to pick up his suits and then go buy another package of underwear like he did last week. Mulder considered it for a moment before deciding to do the laundry, it would keep him occupied for a couple of hours at least.

Ordinarily he would have gone into the office but unfortunately last week he got a friendly call from Betty Beancounter in HR. She informed him that according to the security logs he had worked every weekend for the last month and a half. She was not impressed when he said he was just trying to make sure the taxpayers got their money's worth. She informed him that overworked people tended to be slovenly in their work habits. As a field agent he should know the dangers of burn out. So the evil queen of numbers banished him from the office on weekends.

If he wasn't working he almost didn't know what to do with himself. Lately his boredom and frustration level had been a lot higher than normal. He had been sleeping a lot less, consuming more sugar and caffeine than usual. Something he tried to hide from his partner. He knew what she would say, "Jeez, Mulder no wonder you can't sleep at night you only drink about a gallon of tea a day. That much caffeine would wake the dead."

She would only worry, that's why he kept that information from her. Actually he'd been keeping a lot of things from her lately. So much so that now he couldn't remember exactly when he'd started to pull away. Well that wasn't entirely true, you couldn't get away from a photographic memory no matter how hard you tried.

He could call up the precise moment when things changed between them. It was after he had run off chasing that damn ghost ship. Only it wasn't a ghost ship He woken up in a hospital, big surprise! Scully's beautiful face was the first thing he saw the only thing that he wanted to see. He barely acknowledged the presence of his friends and the A D. He was only vaguely aware that they had left the two of them alone. He was telling Scully how she saved the world; she had faith in him even in another lifetime.

"I thought I'd never see you again. But you believed me."

She leaned ever so close to him, for a moment his heart started beating faster. Expecting any moment to feel her cool lips on his own. He was so taken by the closeness they seemed to be sharing.

"In your dreams. Now I want you to close your eyes and think to yourself, there's no place like home."

Even as she said it she was still leaning over him, his fingers were ever so gently rubbing her hip. As he looked her in the eye he could swear that she was about to kiss him. But only for a moment because she started to pull away. Something in his heart propelled him up; no he couldn't let the moment pass without saying something.

"Scully."

She stopped in mid-stride and turned and walked back to his bedside, again leaning in just a bit more than normal.

"Yes?"

It was the lean that did it. He looked up into her eyes, begging her to see his heart. With all the courage that he possessed, dropping his pride and fear for that one moment.

"I love you."

That one tiny second expanded hope flared. The words weren't much but he hoped she understood those were the only words he could speak. Inadequate as they were, he hoped she knew that there were so very many more words, words he couldn't say. To say that her reaction wasn't what he expected was an understatement, of the utmost extreme.

"Oh brother."

Then she simply turned and walked out the door. He wasn't sure if it was insanity or stupidity that made him half expect her to poke her head back in and happily intone, "Had you big time."

But she didn't come back. He lay back down on the pillow wincing slightly as his cheek made contact. He rubbed it cautiously, half smiling at the memory of the kiss he'd given to his partner's 1939 counterpart.

He kept expecting Scully to come back and check on him as the night progressed, but she didn't. Why didn't she? It was 2:45 and the nurses had been by every hour on the hour. Where was Scully? Usually she had to be threatened or dragged kicking and screaming away from his bedside. That's when it hit him; that's when it all came down. His declaration had appalled her, or worse it was comical to her. He ran his hands through his hair. Oh god, that's it he thought. The scene replayed itself unbidden through his mind. His brain watched as an observer, after all he was a trained profiler and psychologist. He noted the set of her shoulders the little snort of laughter. Then the "oh brother" that's when his old friend guilt stepped in. Together they wove those two words into the most devastating self-recrimination possible. The kind only a thoroughly inventive mind can conjure up. Crushed didn't even begin to express how he felt at that moment.

/Mistake. /

What the hell was the matter with him anyway what on earth had made him tell her that? Well he knew it was no secret, there were things that Mulder just knew. He wasn't called spooky for nothing. Though they had never said the words he knew they loved each other, it was that unspoken communication. Nothin' says lovin' like putting your job and your life on the line for your partner. She had done that more times than he could count. Then of course there were his efforts to save her from the alien virus. The words 'I love you' just somehow pale to racing to the ends of the earth to save your partner's life after you've been shot in the head. Not that he had wanted acknowledgement or even thanks, she was his partner and if she was ever put in danger it was because of him.

After an hour or so of tormenting himself he did what he had never done before. When the nurse came back he asked for some painkillers. Hoping the drug would allow him to feel nothing.

Ever since Bermuda they grew distant. Mulder hastily rebuilt that wall around himself. He plugged up the holes that he'd allowed her to open. How could he be so stupid, after his disastrous relationships of the past he swore no one would ever get that close again. Of course with the others he did see it coming, this hit him out of the blue. It was the ultimate in frustration, torn between wanting her and desperately trying to not think about her.

The only thing he knew for certain was that now he HAD to put some emotional distance between them. The feelings were unshakable, he wanted her plain and simple. She didn't want him, also plain and simple. His analytical mind tried to ruminate.

/If she doesn't want me why does she stay? /

/Stupid question/

He knew that line of thinking was self-centered and chauvinistic. She stays because she enjoys the work, because she had as much stake in it now as he did. It was the height of arrogance to even suggest that she stayed because of any feelings for him. She cared about him he knew that, you didn't do the things she did and not care. But like she said, not everything was about him.

/How the hell does she do it? How does she go through life being alone?/

Well that wasn't too hard to figure out, because she unlike him had people who cared about her she had a family. They weren't perfect but at least she had one. Mulder couldn't remember what it was like to be part of a family. All he'd ever wanted was a normal life, someone to be with when he turned out the lights and shut the world out. But any hopes for a normal life were dashed with the disappearance of his sister. Since that day life became an out of control express train speeding to oblivion. Now he so desperately wanted to be loved even if it was just one person, just one out of five billion to give a fuck about him. Because it had been so long since anyone had. He couldn't stand this, trying to exist like this was like trying to live with half his soul missing.

He tried to remember when he'd felt the warmth of knowing the love of another soul. His parents of course had loved him at some point and he knew Sam did but that was before the dark days. After Sam was gone his father buried himself in his work and alcohol, his mother buried herself in a pill bottle and they for the most part gave up on him. Now he couldn't even remember the last time anyone had told him they loved him. And the four times in twenty years he'd said those words they were all met with the same disdain.

So here he sat in his dark apartment, on his couch mindlessly watching a basketball game that he didn't even care who was playing. He looked over at the half-full bottle of beer sitting there. He had splurged and gotten a 4 pack of Guinness that now he allowed to just sit there.

Mulder sat up, grabbing the remote he snapped off the TV. He got up and paced around looking exactly like the caged animal he felt like. Wandering over to his stereo he scanned over his CD's picking out one of his more depressing ones, he considered it a moment before dropping it back on the shelf. His black mood didn't need any more help, besides if he listened to it just one more time he might never pull himself out of the mire. Crossing in front of his TV he absently looked at his video collection, nah even that didn't peak his interest much to the dismay of other regions of his anatomy. Man he really was depressed.

God he felt so isolated, so thoroughly and completely alone. He didn't have a family; he wondered if he ever really did. He had no real friends except for Scully, now he felt as isolated from her as he was from everybody else.

Being alone was not something that he was supposed to have trouble with after all these years, it was second nature. Being alone was so much easier to take when he wasn't so damn lonely. He was used to the pain and usually he had no trouble wrapping each new pain deep down. Taking them out only when he was alone to see if it still hurt to drag out the past just to paint it blue. Those were the nights he spent staring at the ceiling or else hunting for sleeping pills that he knew damn well he wouldn't take.

He crossed the room to where his basketball sat; he dribbled it a few times but the damn thing bored him.

/Why the hell is this so difficult? /

God he hated being depressed, he couldn't stand being alone in his dark apartment with his thoughts any longer. Mulder gathered his remaining wits, donned his running gear and forced himself to run. Feet thundered over the pavement, muscles strained, sweat dropped. Mulder pushed himself mercilessly through the Alexandria streets. Running had always been so therapeutic for his tortured soul. So he pushed himself to the limit waiting for the endorphins to kick in. Waiting for the runner's high. Still he couldn't get away from his thoughts. If it wasn't so pathetic it would've struck him as funny. A grown man trying to run away from his thoughts. Well like John Lennon always said, 'Whatever gets you through the night.' That's all he did with his nights anymore, he just tried to get through them. If that meant a five-mile run as a distraction then so be it.

He ran until his body stubbornly refused to carry him any further. He slumped down in a heap onto some nearby steps, his breath coming out in exhausted gasps. He wiped his face with his wet shirt, only then did he notice the rain softly falling around him. 'Now when the hell did that start?' He wondered. He sat there as the rain continued to fall harder. Of course now that he was just sitting there his thoughts came back to haunt him.

/Why can't I just stop thinking about her? Everything would be ok if I could just stop thinking about her. /

Mulder knew he had never had any luck with women. Every woman he'd ever gotten close to either deserted him, or was taken from him or else they outright betrayed him. He had been wrong about every woman he'd ever gotten close to. He'd been wrong about Phoebe, he'd been so wrong about her. Other fiascos sprang to mind from Angela White, to Diana Fowley and every other one in between. He had such a horrible blind spot when it came to women. The sad thing was that now after so many years he figured he deserved all of it, he certainly came to expect it. He so wanted to be right about Scully but he was so terrified of being wrong. He still couldn't get away from that one nagging question, when the hell had his partner become the one person he couldn't live without?

He tried to tell himself that he wasn't lonely, that he didn't want her. But the feelings permeated his consciousness; pain, frustration, desperation, and isolation. He had this overwhelming desire to have someone to talk to, but there was no one. Mulder knew it was unhealthy to hold so much inside but there was absolutely no one to talk to. That was a sobering thought although not a new thought at all. He had always been alone, he told himself that was how he liked it. He lived for years being not quite happy to be alone but resigned to it. He had a mental image of living and dying completely alone. That image instead of depressing him, oddly comforted him. He was content to live out his days in that manner searching for the truth alone

All that changed the day Scully had walked into his basement office. Of course nothing changed overnight he expected her to be gone in less than a week. But she surprised the hell out of him by staying. Then he surprised himself by starting to open up to her, trusting her and caring about her. None of that was supposed to happen, he never trusted anyone, he hadn't cared about anyone in years and he damn sure had never needed anyone before.

The rain continued to fall on his heated body but instead of making him more comfortable by cooling him down it only served to remind him of yet another pain. Florida and that damn sea monster or whatever the hell it was. Had it not been for that cat and the rain he would have died painfully and alone. Even though he smiled as Dales' commented on how lucky Mulder was to have Scully at his side; he couldn't help the hurt he felt. It was childish he knew but when that monster attacked him he had never felt so abandoned in his life.

/What the hell could she do? She had a gun to her head. /

The fact that she had just left him out there to fend for himself hurt more than getting the very life squeezed out of him. He wondered more than ever if Scully really was at his side.

/This is worse than sitting at home. /

Looking up at the ink black sky Mulder rubbed his temples and angrily tossed back his wet hair. Still the frustration and indecision was almost overpowering.

"Fuck it."

He decided that he had, had enough and moved to get up. His tortured muscles protested indignantly. The popping of his knees echoed off the wet pavement as he stretched and began the walk back to his apartment. When he finally made it back he shed his wet clothes, took a quick shower and stretched out on the couch. Hoping that it was late enough and that he had exhausted himself enough to sleep. For once it actually worked. Mulder managed to stay asleep right through to the morning. He got up torn between being glad that it was Monday and he could go back to work and being uncomfortable with the thought of having to be with Scully all day. It wasn't that he disliked being with her the problem was the reverse. Inside he just knew that she saw him as nothing more than her partner and friend. That tore at his heart to know she didn't feel for him what he felt for her and there was no getting away from it. No matter what he told himself, no matter what he did he felt the pain, with Scully or away from her.

XXXXXXXX 

As usual Mulder beat Scully into the office and was into full swing by the time she hit the door. He managed to stay sufficiently busy all day thus making sure she'd leave him alone.

/Great Mulder's in full grouch mode today. /

After asking him a simple question and getting nothing more than a grunt in reply. She decided she had enough of his pouting. She walked around the front of his desk, leaning over him so he'd have no other choice but to acknowledge her. That was something she detested more than his pouting, when he ignored her it made her feel just like a kid again. Her brothers had made her feel insignificant repeatedly while growing up. She promised herself that as an adult she wouldn't let anyone make her feel insignificant. Since her brothers no one had been able to make her feel that way like Mulder could. So now every time he did it she had the overwhelming imperative to snap him in line.

"Mulder, I asked you for your half of the figures on this month's expense report. It's due to accounting today and I'd like to get reimbursed on time."

Mulder swiveled his chair around to face his partner who was now staring at him like a bird of prey. Leaning over his desk asserting her dominance, and wearing her patented 'Mulder, don't give me any shit' look. He absently wondered if she really wanted to get into a pissing contest now. The way he felt at the moment he'd have no problem obliging her. But then again from the look in her eyes, her's might be bigger than his today. He turned back to his computer. If she could stand there making him more uncomfortable by the minute then he could at least have a little fun.

"It's printing up now Scully." He got up and brushed quickly past her and snatched the report from the printer. "Incidentally my figures have been done since Friday."

He dropped the paper in her hands and then proceeded to cocoon himself back in the relative comfort of his work. Scully for her part quietly seethed biting her lip to keep from giving him the thrashing he was begging for.

"Fine and I suppose you want me to turn in the report as usual."

Mulder looked back at her over the top of his glasses, "Since you're offering."

Scully snorted in disgust. "It was a rhetorical question Mulder, it didn't really need a response." She didn't wait for a comeback to that one, she just picked up her files and shoved them into her briefcase and headed out the door.

After she left he tried to stay busy, he actually got some work done. However what he managed to do was probably half-assed at best, but he could go back over it later. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes, he was tired and things couldn't go on like this forever. He glanced over at his watch 4:42; Scully had been gone for over an hour; she'd probably be back any minute now unless she had to go over the report line by line. Knowing those penny-pinchers that's what she probably had to do, especially with his figures. She would NOT be Little Miss Sunshine when she came back. To put it lightly she'd be mad as hell and she'd grind him to mush. She'd prove once and for all who was the alpha male and as far as Mulder was concerned he did not want to be around for that. So he did what any other man with sense would've done; he grabbed his basketball gear and headed over to the gym. 


	2. Chapter 2

It was still early so there weren't too many people yet. Mulder was pleased to see a couple of games already going. He crossed the floor passing the pre-teens with their radio blaring out what passed for pop music. Mulder groaned, "Great, the hip station." That's all he needed, to be subjected to the top 20. The same 20 songs on a loop. Mulder shook his head as he crossed the court. Dodging one kid's failed attempt at a hook shot in the process. Mulder joined a tall black man at the far court who he had played with on occasion.

During the height of his frustrations with the job, right before Spender was murdered, before they got the X-files back Mulder would come down here and play; more often than not he'd see the same man. They talked some, played a lot, the guy was a good player, and he had a devastating outside hook shot.

"Hey Kevin," Mulder called at him. "So we up for a game today?"

"I don't know Mulder I guess that all depends on whether or not you HAVE any game."

Mulder dribbled the ball up to the 3 point line and looked up at the basket for a second before he just let it fly; nothing but net and it was in. "Yeah I got your game, right here man."

A couple more guys joined them for some 2 on 2. At first the game was fast and furious; dribble, run, pass, shoot, rebound, pass again, drive, lay it on up, switch quickly to defense. The two guys Mulder and Kevin were playing were younger, faster and just plain cocky. Mulder wasn't exactly at the top of his game despite his earlier show of bravado. Mulder inwardly cursed himself when he let a fake out leave him flat-footed, a fake-out that resulted in an easy three points.

"Come on Mulder! Where you at? Get in the game." Kevin yelled as he passed the ball to Mulder. Mulder drove the ball to the top of the key but the other guy was all over him. He passed back to Kevin who eluded his defender and went in for a lay up.

They played like that for almost half an hour before taking a break. Mulder went over and grabbed his water bottle. Kevin came up behind him.

"Hey Mulder what's the matter with you? You're playing like you're back in grade school. In case you haven't noticed we're getting our asses kicked by kids with weed-eater hair cuts."

Mulder wiped his face and looked stone-faced at his teammate. "Hey there's nothing wrong with my game alright! I could probably play better if SOMEBODY WOULD TURN DOWN THAT DAMN MUSIC!"

Kevin glared at him "Hey man the music never bothered you before and I know that's not the reason for all those easy shots you've been missing'."

"Look I'm sick of having to listen to the same 10 songs over and over." Mulder could even have dealt with rap or anything else that day. Just not one damn syrupy love and loss song after another. If he had to listen to one more girl wailing about loneliness or another boy band going on and on over being in love he was going to have to draw his weapon and put that radio out of HIS misery.

Kevin looked at Mulder as if he was sizing him up. "What's the matter Mulder you not getting any?"

Mulder looked Kevin in shock. "What!"

Kevin shook his head. "Do I gotta talk to you like an ignorant step child? He watched Mulder roll his eyes as he spoke slower. "It's obvious you have WOMAN problems. Is it your red-headed partner?" He laughingly asked.

Mulder opened his mouth to retort back but no words would come out. His brain refused to come up with anything at all - funny, stupid or otherwise. The only thing he could do was turn slightly pink.

Kevin stopped laughing when he saw his friend's expression. Friend? Now where did that come from Kevin wondered. He looked at Mulder for the first time with some compassion. This guy was in love with his partner and was undeniably miserable. Maybe she didn't know, well that was easy enough to fix.

"Hey look man I'm sorry, I was just joking. I didn't know you and her were..."

Mulder cut him off. "There is no me and her. There's nothing between us and there never will be."

"Bullshit you want her just tell her."

Mulder laughed and shook his head. "It's not that easy."

"Why 'cause you're FBI and she's your partner? That ain't it if you had any balls you'd just tell her."

Mulder took a drink out of the water bottle and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "I did that once."

Kevin waited for him to continue and when he didn't he nudged him on the shoulder. "And what happened!?"

"Nothing, it was nothing but a mistake."

"That's a damn cop-out. What'd she say."

Mulder struggled a moment with the pain of reliving Scully's response. "She doesn't want me." Mulder turned away from his companion and walked over to the water fountain to refill his bottle. Kevin just stood there watching him truly surprised at the emotion Mulder had displayed.

One of the guys they were playing shouted over to them. "Hey old guys! You gonna play or what?"

Mulder threw the ball in muttering to himself; "punk bastard, I'll show you something that doesn't grow on an old guy."

The next drive was fast and furious. Kevin passed to Mulder then broke right trying to shake his defender. When Kevin was at the top of the key Mulder tried to shoot him the ball but the kid was all over him. He deflected Mulder's sloppy pass and it was snapped up by his teammate, who lobbed it in for another 2. Kevin got the ball and slammed it to Mulder. He turned and started to drive it but their opponents double-teamed him. They came charging at him full-bore. Mulder tried to break free, tried to pass, tried to fake but he couldn't shake them. The shorter guy fell back to cover Kevin while the other turned up the heat on Mulder. He charged yet again blatantly fouling Mulder and knocking him flat on his ass. Mulder got the wind knocked out of him with a bone rattling thud and slid a good five feet towards the sideline. Kevin came over to help him up but stopped when he saw the object of their earlier discussion standing not ten feet away.

Mulder rubbed his chest trying to catch his breath. It felt like his lungs were on fire. Looking up at Kevin who was just standing there looking stupid. Mulder tried to stand and was greeted by sharp pain in his left ankle.

/Oh fuck! /

He gritted his teeth to keep from yelling. When he was finally on his feet he turned to see what had Kevin's attention. His shoulders slumped.

/Perfect, she gets here just in time to seem me get laid out on my ass and twist my stupid ankle. /

It was one thing to get your ass kicked by punks, twist your ankle and get the wind knocked out of you; but it was much worse to have it all observed by someone who you'd give up anything for if they'd just love you.

XXXXXXXX 

After her meeting with accounting Scully spent an hour hunting for her partner, and she used that term lightly. When she walked into the gym she mentally kicked herself. Where the hell else would he be? Her approach was perfect to hear Mulder mutter something about a mistake. She couldn't understand what the tall back man said to him. But she couldn't help noticing the sadness in Mulder's eyes. Some of her anger faded a bit as she wondered what was wrong. He hardly ever talked about his feelings but even she could see something was bothering him.

Another man yelling at Mulder and his friend interrupted her train of thought. "Hey old guys! You gonna play or what?" She laughed a little at Mulder's retort. "I'll show you something that doesn't grow on an old guy." They continued to play as she watched, seemingly unnoticed by the would-be sports warriors. She couldn't help thinking that they were playing very rough. The two younger guys were playing for blood. She gasped as Mulder was mowed over.

Though he was trying to hide it, she knew her partner well enough to know he was hurt. When he managed to stand up she went to him to make sure he was alright. She put her hand on his shoulder. "You ok Mulder?"

Mulder started to move away from her. "I'm fine Scully." He limped over to the bleachers and scooped up his gear and hobbled off in the direction of the shower.

"I guess that's game Huh?" The shorter of two younger men quipped.

Mulder didn't even turn around, he just continued to the showers.

Scully watched as he limped off down the hall to the locker room. Shaking her head turned towards Mulder's companion. "Guess you know my partner."

"Yeah you could say that." Kevin wiped his hand on his shirt and extended it to Scully. "I'm Kevin Thomas."

Scully returned the handshake. "I'm Mulder's partner, Dana Scully."

The both of them turned to watch the other two guys who started practicing again. They said nothing for a few moments. Then Scully finally broke the silence. "Does he ever talk to you?"

Kevin turned his full attention on her. Trying to gage how receptive she might be. "A little, but I get the feeling that with your partner what he doesn't say tells more than what he actually says."

Scully just looked up at Kevin surprised at his insight. "Do you know what's bothering him?"

Kevin didn't say anything for a few long moments. What he said in the next few seconds might be the difference in Mulder continuing in misery or the two of them working things out. Talk about pressure what the hell could he say to this woman he didn't even know.

"Look I might be out of line for saying this but I think you need to talk to your partner. You need to really talk to him and you need to really listen to him."

Mulder could barely put any weight on his ankle. While he was being watched he managed to hide the pain somewhat. But now the pain was so bad there were tears in his eyes. He actually felt nauseous; he stopped and leaned against the cool tile wall, waiting for the feeling to pass.

/Why the hell does she have to track me down? She probably came down here to ream me out for the reports or she's got some more jack-off work. /

He slowly stripped off his clothes and gingerly removed his shoe. Just pulling the damn thing off made him see stars. Once the shoe was off he made his way to the first shower. He couldn't do much more than rinse off and wash the vital areas it hurt too much to stand on one foot for very long.

With more difficulty than a grown man should have, Mulder put on his clothes and one shoe. He gritted his teeth trying to put his sock on the injured foot. He wasn't about to yell from the pain, for all he knew Scully was hovering outside the door. There was a time when she would've been right there with him to help and comfort him.

/Not anymore, /

After what seemed like forever Mulder finally emerged from the locker room. Scully went to him when she saw that he was desperately trying to hide the fact that he could barely walk.

"Guess you won't be running off on me this time." She meant it to be funny but Mulder looked at her like she'd just grown snakes out of her head. She started to put her arm around him. "Sorry Mulder, come on let me help you. I'll take you to go get that ankle looked at."

Mulder resisted her support. "I don't need your help Scully, I'm not a god damned 2 year old and I don't need to get it looked at I just twisted it."

Scully resisted the urge to strangle him. "You've been acting like a damn 2 year old and you ARE going to see a doctor. You can't even walk!"

The pain was now making his head fuzzy, he really didn't want to have this conversation. He thought about arguing but he had enough sense to know when she was right but he'd be damned if he would admit it.

"It's not that bad. What will a doctor do that I can't do myself? I'll go home and wrap it and ice it down."

Scully couldn't believe him, all she could do was roll her eyes at him."Are you out of your mind!? You can't walk, you need to be x-rayed."

Mulder looked over his shoulder to see if they had an audience, sure enough Kevin was paying close attention. Mulder grabbed her arm and half supported himself by pulling her out. Scully tried to reach over and take the bag out of his hand but he wouldn't let her.

"Will you stop! I don't need you to carry it. I'm fine."

"Mulder! You're not fine you might've broken that ankle or at the very least you have a bad sprain. You need to let me take you to a doctor."

"I already told you Scully I don't need to see a doctor I'm going to go home and I'll be fine."

"Just how do you think you're getting home?"

Mulder thought a second.

"Don't even think about trying to drive yourself."

"I wasn't going to. I'll take the metro or I'll call a cab, ok you happy!"

Scully shook her head, why the hell was he being so obstinate. She took a deep breath and reached out to him. She ran her hand down his arm to the bag he was still holding.

"Mulder I can see you're in a lot of pain you don't have to hide it from me now please let me help you."

She watched the frustration roll in waves over him. "Come on Mulder." She managed to get the bag out of his hand and put her arm around him and guide him to sit down on a bench by the door.

"Wait right here and I'll get the car."

He was about to protest but decided against it. She was right it did hurt like a son of a bitch. So he didn't waste his breath arguing she wouldn't pay attention anyway, she never did. Scully pulled her car up to the curb and jumped out as Mulder was struggling to get up. Again he tried to shun her attempts to help but she didn't care. She wrapped her arm around his waist, encouraging him to lean on her. Once underway Mulder again tried to get her to give up on the doctor idea. "Scully if you drop me off at my place I'll be fine."

"Give it up Mulder you have to have it looked at."

"You're a doctor I'll let you take a look at it when we get to my place. It's not broken I just twisted it a little."

Scully shook her head. "Mulder you're a Ph.D. Not an MD, remember? I can see the swelling from here you've got a bad sprain it's at least a class two maybe a three.

Mulder sat there and sighed heavily.

"Sighing isn't going to get you anywhere. Neither is pouting so just do what I tell you for once and sit there quietly."

"Scully, I can still put some weight on it so it's not broken it's probably no more than a 2. Either way what is another doctor gonna do? He'd do exactly what I already plan to do." Mulder didn't say anything else, he was too mad. He just chewed on his lip silently fuming. Talk about being led around, she had him on a short leash and he was so damn tired of her yanking every time she thought he was getting out of line. There were so many times that he was so in love with her he couldn't bear to be out of the sound of her voice. Then there were the other times that seemed to be getting increasingly frequent, times that he couldn't stand to be in her presence. Times that he could swear that if she made one more comment he'd get a big roll of duck tape and give her the mummy treatment. That particular fantasy was fast replacing the ones he used to have about her. The scary thought was that he enjoyed it almost more than he did the other ones.

Scully pulled into the first convenience store she found, Mulder didn't say a word. Even when she came back out with a bag of ice he still said nothing.

"Here Mulder put this on it'll reduce the swelling."

He took the bag from her and positioned it on his throbbing ankle. After about ten minutes or so the ice had numbed it to where he could hardly feel the pain. Now all he felt was the anger, frustration and embarrassment he'd been trying to get away from in the first place. He hoped he could get Scully to just leave him off at his place, the last thing he wanted right now was to have an extended period of time with her. He was just too tired and his composure was wearing far too thin. If he spent too much time with her or horror of horrors she actually wanted to talk to him he didn't think he'd be able to hold his tumultuous feelings in check. Even after so much time the various wounds were still fresh.

Scully drove in silence, she made a few half-hearted attempts to talk to Mulder but instead of the earlier grunting all she got was silence. What was wrong with him? He had obviously talked to Kevin, that was something she had never known him to do. Talk to someone else about what was bothering him. He usually turned to her, now she couldn't remember the last time he'd really talked to her. He was so closed off now it was much worse than when they'd first started working together. It was like he'd completely pulled away from her, physically and emotionally.

/Why would he talk to Kevin and not me? I thought we were best friends. /

When she finally pulled up to his building she turned to look at him and found him just staring off into space. She got out and came around to his door only then did he show any signs of movement. He opened the door and started to get out Scully quickly put her arm around his waist to offer some support. He reached for his bag and tried to move under his own steam but she managed to grab it before he could. The ice had made the pain bearable while he was in the car but now it started throbbing again. He tried again unsuccessfully to pull away from her.

"I can take it from here thanks for bringing me home Scully."

She wasn't letting go she continued to support him up the steps and right into the foyer. They got upstairs and she unlocked the door with her key. He kept trying to get her to leave him but she wasn't taking the hint. He settled himself on the couch while she went into the bathroom for some bandages.

His ankle was so swollen that she knew she wouldn't be able to pull his sock off. Instead she took a pair of scissors to it. Mulder was getting increasingly uncomfortable with her continued presence. Having her there trying to take care of him just made him want her all the more. He had to get her out of there fast because he couldn't bear the frustration of having her so close and knowing that his love was unrequited and unwanted.

"Scully really I don't need you to do that. I can take care of myself. I appreciate you bringing me home but you don't have to do this."

"Hey I'm the MD why do I have to keep reminding you of that?" She had carefully cut his sock away and was now gently running her hands across his foot and ankle.

Mulder's heart started to pound. He really didn't have a thing for feet but just the sensation of her soft hands touching any part of his body was enough to cause those emotional walls to shudder. She wrapped the bandage tightly around his ankle and propped his foot up on the pillows and put the ice back on. Then she started kneading the knots in his calf muscle.

/Oh god Scully don't you see that you're tearing me apart. Please don't touch me if you don't love me. I don't think I can keep lying to myself if you keep touching me. /

"Look I told you that I'd be fine by myself I DO not need you to baby me! I'm quite familiar with the RICE treatment and I'm not some fucking 2-year-old that can't take care of himself!" Mulder was almost afraid, he knew better than to provoke her like that especially when all she was trying to do was help. But at the moment he was desperate, he had to get her to leave. Scully just looked at him with a fire in her eyes that matched his own. She stood up and walked away from him, staring out the window for a few long moments before she could turn back around to face him.

"My god why do you have to make this so difficult. I don't understand you Mulder; I don't understand what the hell your problem is. I can't read you anymore and you don't talk to me."

/Please Scully don't do this I don't have the strength for this. I know you don't care for me like I do you. /

"I just can't stand your attitude anymore. I'm tired of you acting like a spoiled child. You said you weren't a two-year-old but that's exactly how you've been acting. You've been this way for months and I'm sick of it. You just act so deaf and blind to anyone else's feelings but yours. I just want to know what the hell your problem is."

Something in Mulder just snapped all the tension, frustration and hurt just boiled over and there was no way he could've kept it in. "You wanna know what the fuck my problem is! I'll tell you, my problem is you and the way you treat me!"

"The way I treat YOU! What are you talking about!"

"Scully I've never said this to you but shut up! You want to know, fine I'll tell you but goddamnit just keep quiet."

Scully wore a look of utter shock. Mulder NEVER spoke to her like that." 


	3. Chapter 3

"You've got my balls on such a short leash and every time you think I get out of line you yank that leash. "I am so fucking tired of having to play by your rules. I never even know the rules but I'm supposed to play by them and whenever I think I've got 'em figured out you change them on me. You discount me, my ideas, my feelings every chance you get. We've been together for six years and you've never taken me at my word. You don't trust my instincts despite the fact that I've never been wrong. I've had to fight for every theory; I've had to prove myself to you every moment. You're right I'm not an MD you don't have to remind me I know I'm just goddamned Ph.D. But I'll have you know that I'm a damned good one I've profiled monsters that no one else could. Never wrong in six years should deserve some fucking slack."

Mulder sat there panting, emotionally spent. Scully stood in the same spot wearing the same look of shock. "You act like you're blameless! What about the way you've treated me? You've been ignoring me for weeks now. You don't treat me like a partner you don't even treat me like a friend. Yet you expect me to just take everything you say as the gospel truth. You closed yourself off from me I don't even know who you are half the time. I want to know why you withdrew? Why did you shut me out? I thought we cared about each other? I thought we were friends?"

Mulder closed his eyes trying to shut everything out, hoping that when he opened them she wouldn't be there. This was exactly what he didn't want, a confrontation. He didn't want to have to answer her question; he didn't want to tell her why he shut her out. Because he didn't want to hear her say she didn't love him. She was his fire and he wasn't hers and maybe that's the way she wanted it but it was only bearable if he didn't have to hear her say it.

"I want to know Mulder, just tell me why."

Mulder's hands shook slightly; she wasn't going to let him off the hook. He looked back up at her, his eyes pleading for her to let it go. She came and sat down on his coffee table expecting his answer.

"Don't you understand that it was killing me for you to be too close. I can't let you get too close so I push you away." He whispered

Scully shook her head. "Why?"

"Please," he whispered. "Please don't make me rehash this."

"What do you mean rehash? You've never told me any of this." She considered for a moment, he must've told Kevin all this. "Does this have to do with what you and Kevin were talking about today?"

His head snapped up and he couldn't stop the blush he felt creeping from his ears to his face. He dropped his eyes and simply nodded slightly.

"I heard you tell him you made a mistake. What did you mean?"

He didn't say anything and he didn't look at her, he couldn't.

"Mulder what were you talking about? Tell me."

"I did tell you once," he rasped "you didn't believe me."

Mulder expected any second for his life to end. She would either realize exactly what he meant or she would demand that he explain completely. Then he'd actually have to say the words yet again. But either way She wouldn't reciprocate the feeling and he'd have to go through the agony once more. Or else he'd get that look of sympathy, he didn't know which option was worse.

"Mulder are you trying to tell me you have feelings for me?"

/Oh god! Please don't drag this out. If you're going to crush my heart please do it quick. I know you don't love me so just rip it out and step on it but please don't do it slow. /

She thought back, Bermuda then that whole mess in Florida it all just kept getting more strained between them after that.

"When you woke up in the hospital in Florida and you said what you said you meant it, didn't you? You really meant it and I thought you were delirious and I said... Oh my god that's what all this is about. You've been hurting ever since."

Mulder's head sank down into his hands he was too ashamed to look her in the eye. Why did he have to allow himself to feel anything for someone? He'd almost had his heart convinced that it was a capital crime to fall in love again. He wished he could block out the sound of her voice. He flinched when she laid her hand on his.

"Mulder I am so sorry. You were right I didn't believe you, I tried to tell myself you were drugged or delirious but the truth was that I was too afraid to think you were serious. I knew I hurt you I saw it. But things continued to move so fast before I knew it we were back in Florida."

He didn't respond outwardly.

"I hurt you when I left you out there didn't I? Come on Mulder don't hold it in anymore."

He lifted his head slightly and nodded. Yes Florida hurt a lot; it was such a sore spot that he still had nightmares. He let his head drop back down into his hands.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"Don't," he withdrew his hand from hers. "Don't do this we shouldn't be having this conversation. What happened in Florida was my fault you didn't have any other choice."

She pulled her hand away not wanting to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was. "You're right there weren't too many options but you would've done things different if it had been me."

"It's over now we both made it out alive. All I can say about Bermuda is that I shouldn't have put you in that situation. It was a mistake I had a bump on the head and I just read your signals wrong. I only said that because I thought that you... Well it doesn't matter, it was nothing but a mistake, one you don't have to worry about because I won't make it again."

Now she understood completely what he'd been putting himself through all this time. He'd been in this self-destructive mode because of all the frustration and guilt. Convinced that he was completely un-loveable, how could she even begin to make him understand.

"Mulder I..."

"Scully please don't. I'm sorry about everything, I know I've been a total bastard and treated you like shit and I'm so sorry. I know you're not gonna like this but I...I can't talk about this anymore. Please just go home I'll be fine. I'll take the Motrin and I won't move from this spot."

Scully did not want to leave him; he looked more tired and more emotionally battered than she'd seen him in a long time. She wanted to stay so they could work this out, get them both on the same damn side. But she could see he wasn't up to it, she wasn't up to it. They'd have to leave it to deal with later. She needed time to figure out what she would say; right now he wouldn't believe her anyway. That didn't make the thought of leaving him any easier.

"If that's what you want then ok as long as you promise to call if you need anything."

Mulder didn't say anything.

"You have to give me your word." She waited till he nodded. "Do you mind if I check on you later?"

"Yeah ok."

She got back up and went to refill the ice pack and bring him some meds. She went into his amply stocked medicine cabinet and looked through the various choices of painkillers, most of them hardly touched. She came back with a large glass of water and a bottle of Motrin and set them down on the coffee table.

"Do you want some now? It'll make you feel better."

He took the pills she offered and the water. He looked at them a moment.

/Will it make the pain in my chest go away/

"Do you think I could have something to make me sleep instead?"

That was a first, she considered it for a moment she didn't know if she should be worried or not. She watched him grudgingly take the Motrin. Then she went back into the bathroom for something to help him sleep, count on an insomniac to have an assortment of sleeping pills. She poked through the bottles, 5 mg of Ambien ought to do it. Sleep was really the best thing for him right now she only hoped he would be able to actually rest.

Mulder reached for the pills and downed them without hesitation. Then settled back on his pillow. Scully looked down at him, she wanted to stay and comfort him, to hold him or at the very least to watch him. But that was not going to happen, she knew her being there would only make him uncomfortable. She resisted the urge to brush the hair off his forehead instead she picked up her purse and retrieved her keys.

"I'll check on you later."

"Ok thanks." He closed his eyes as she walked to the door.

XXXXXXXX

Scully exited Mulder's building walking down the steps as if she were carrying a piano. Mulder's exhaustion and frustration were palpable, as if the feelings were her own. In a way they were; all this time she knew that he was stretched tight now she knew why. Over the last few years She had developed something of an empathic sense about him. There were times she could almost feel what he was feeling when she looked in his eyes. Those rare times when he would really let himself shine through all the shadows. But lately he guarded himself tightly; she couldn't read him at all. Or perhaps her own frustration with his attitude was clouding her vision. But now she knew that his attitude was only reactionary. She knew that they had to work through this. But the only way to work through their problems was to talk them out and right now Mulder was not going to be receptive or even open to discussion.

But if Mulder wasn't up to talking she damn sure wasn't, this whole encounter had left her emotions as raw and stinging as Mulder's were. Besides she needed time to process everything, she needed time to define how she felt. Most importantly she needed time to form the words that would convince him of her feelings and ease his pain.

When she finally made it through the early evening traffic and pulled up to her building she had a sense of restlessness instead of the familiar relative comfort she associated with coming home.

Scully unlocked the door to her quiet and tidy apartment, almost too quiet and too tidy. It looked exactly like the apartment of a woman who had lived alone for a long time. She had always believed with every fiber of her being that was how she liked things. That it was a sign of self-reliance, of independence; she believed that needing someone weakened a person. But standing there looking about the room she realized that maybe what she thought she believed were only lies she told herself to keep from feeling alone.

She dropped her purse on the table not caring that it fell over spilling half its contents. Instead she went into the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea, Mulder may have gravitated towards only iced tea, impossibly sweet but she took hers hot with only one teaspoon of honey instead of sugar.

They were so different, and not just in the obvious ways but in most ways. She was responsible, punctual, and logical; he was forever going off half cocked and still after all these years his logic escaped her. As if his logic followed an orbit all his own. Sometimes his brilliance scared her, made her shiver. For all their multitude of differences they had some things in common, both had suffered losses, they were both passionate in their own ways. They both had difficulty in opening up to other people, trusting other people.

How the hell had this happened to them? More than that how the hell did Mr. Trust No One ever manage to fight through all the shadows that encompassed his soul? How did he overcome his fear and give voice to his feelings? That brought her to the million-dollar question. Why couldn't she do the same?

Scully never expected him to open up that way, and she never expected him to mean it. From the second the Lone Gunmen came and told her Mulder was in danger her feelings just took over. She was so angry that he had yet again taken off on another wild tangent. Anger, fear and frustration warred inside her for dominance. She shuddered when she remembered how out of control she was. God she threatened to kill Spender, although that did give her an odd pleasure. But then she could not believe that she'd actually kissed Skinner right smack on the mouth. She snorted a little, Skinner looked shocked enough to swallow his own tongue. She absolutely couldn't believe they had found Mulder floating out there in the dark. What the hell had possessed him? He couldn't stand boats for christsake!

She could still recall that fateful moment with perfect clarity.

"Scully."

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"Oh brother."

She closed her eyes as if she could shut out the memory but her words echoed in her mind. /Oh brother.../

She never meant to hurt him, she never meant to hurt them. Just like she knew he never ever meant to hurt her. But it seemed like no matter what their intentions were they ended up hurting each other.

Yes she had been irritated with him that he had done something so dangerous and stupid. But now that she looked back on it she could see he wasn't delusional. He had never woken up delusional no matter how hard he'd been knocked on the head. And she knew he hadn't been drugged, there was no reason for the medical staff to drug him.

So why did she so quickly jump to the conclusion that he was either of those things? Was it because of Frohike's comment? Maybe that's what she wanted to believe. Maybe she was so scared that he was being truthful that instead of accepting his words she grasped onto any excuse just so she wouldn't have to face reality.

She thought back to other instances. So many times when he was vulnerable he would let his guard down and drop all the masks and really speak from the heart.

/...You're the only person I trust. /

/...You're my one in five billion. /

/...You make me a whole person. /

She heard her mother say it a thousand times; "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they've got."

In the beginning of their partnership she had tried, not so much to move the relationship to the personal level per se, but more to become friends. That's what the whole, "I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone but you," was about. At the time it felt like he was pushing her away, and he probably was, after all he didn't know if he could trust her. Given his frame of reference it's not surprising that he was cautious.

A lifetime of betrayal and loss would cause anyone to shut people out. He didn't exactly grow up with the best role models for relationships. Even with the little she knew about his family life she knew that much. She'd only met his father once and quite frankly the guy gave her the creeps. As for his mother, the woman WAS the "ice queen." The one time she ever saw them interact together was only a minute before they went behind closed doors and though Scully wasn't positive but she could've sworn she heard a loud slap. She had no doubts that the loss of Samantha had ripped Mulder's family apart. His family just didn't seem the type to be of mutual comfort to each other. It was really no wonder that he had so much difficulty letting people in. She had the same difficulties and she had nothing like his reasons.

So why was it she was forever waiting for him to make the first move? And why was it that when he mustered up the courage and said something on more than one occasion she passed it off as stress or mental instability. Mulder was many things but mentally incapable wasn't one of them. Yes he could be arrogant, stubborn, paranoid and a jerk but he never said things he didn't mean. In fact when you did manage to get some verbalization of his feelings out of him it tended to have much more meaning than the actual words.

So now how did she feel about him and more importantly what was she going to do about it? She knew Mulder was never going to even approach the subject. The walls around his emotions were going to be stronger than ever before. He even said so himself, it was going to take a hell of a lot for anyone to ever get through to him again.

/...It was nothing but a mistake, one you don't have to worry about because I won't make it again. /

He was right about the way she had discounted his feelings. It was just easier to deal with her own emotions if she denied his. Because if he had feelings then didn't that mean she'd have to have them too? That's where the fear kicked in, if they acknowledged the existence of emotions then they'd be forced to deal with them. It was much, much safer to just live in denial. Perhaps she had subconsciously bought into their relationship that line about him not having a heart, that was another one of the rumors; Spooky the world's only breathing heart donor.

She always thought she was the strong one in the partnership and that it was imperative to keep up that persona. Now she wondered if maybe he was the stronger of the two. After all he was the one who had the guts to say something first.

She didn't know what she wanted. Was he what she wanted? Was she willing to put up the fight it was going take to break through to him? Because if that was the case not only would he be resistant but also if she even tried she was going to HAVE to be open herself. She was going to have to be willing to lay herself completely open to him. To become what she told herself she'd never be, vulnerable. If, and that was a big if, she did manage to get through his defenses it was gonna have to be all or nothing. Fox Mulder was nothing if not stingy with his feelings. She was going to have to decide what she wanted and how she felt and then either way she had to tell him the truth, this was undoubtedly the last chance she would get.

XXXXXXXX

Fox Mulder hated being at the mercy of drugs; although they enabled him to relax they did nothing to quiet the constant thoughts running through his mind. It was like being caught in a dream and being partially conscious for the whole thing. There was nothing like being caught in Mulderland with Alice and the White Rabbit. The big trouble was with the Queen who kept running around screaming off with his head. What was worse was that the Queen looked vaguely like a short redhead.

Mulder suddenly found himself in a deserted hallway illuminated only by the emergency lights. He was cold, he was wet and it was like trying to see through a fish bowl. He was sloshing his way through the dark passage the water was now past his ankles. Where the hell was he? He wondered. At first he thought he was back in the dormitory he'd lived in when he was an undergrad, but not even his dorm had been that bad. He could hear the rain beating against the walls, and the wind shaking the whole building. It sounded like a typhoon.

He saw movement at the end of the hall and ran towards it. As soon as he made it to the end he looked down another corridor and there was no one in sight. He whirled around when he heard someone call his name.

"Fox"

Mulder made a mad dash towards the voice. He took all of five steps and saw who it was. There in he middle of the hall he'd just come from was a small raft and sitting in it was his sister Samantha. Or rather two Samanthas an eight year old version and a thirty-four year old one. Both were happily rowing along oblivious to the storm.

"Samantha? What are you doing here what is this place?"

The two Samanthas just looked at each other than at him and simply laughed and started to paddle away.

"Wait don't go!"

He tried to run after them but running through water wasn't the easiest thing to do. He fell face forward and hydroplaned down the hall. When he got up they were gone.

He began running down the hallway he thought they had taken. The water was getting higher and it was getting more and more difficult to wade his way through the deserted building. Turning down passageway after passageway he began pounding on doors, trying the knobs hoping someone would open up and shelter him from the rising torrent.

He finally got to the last door and raised his fist to pound on the dark wood. Before he could do so the door swung wide of its own accord. Relief washed over him as his eyes fell upon his partner. His partner who was now walking away from him. For some reason the room was absolutely dry, despite the veritable flood outside. He tried to enter the room but the cold water held him fast.

"Scully wait!" He called after her, prompting her to turn and face him.

"What is it Mulder? It's time I got going."

"Scully please don't go."

"I have to go Mulder I don't belong here."

As he stood there pleading with her not to leave him, he didn't take notice of the translucent tentacles coming out of the wall reaching out slowly. Instead all his focus was on Scully. She continued to the door opposite him that opened to reveal a bright fresh outdoors and a waiting SUV complete with the two Samanthas calling to Scully.

"Come on Dana it's time to go, the game is over."

Mulder clawed desperately at the unseen force that held him. Seeing the hopelessness of the movement he cried out to Scully again in absolute fear.

"Scully! Please don't leave me here I need you!"

"That doesn't matter anymore I can't stay. You have to let me go Mulder."

"No I can't do that, I...I...don't know how. Please don't ask me to do that."

Scully turned back to him and looked at him with sympathy. "I know it's hard but you have to, it's for the best you'll see."

The elder Samantha was now honking the horn beckoning Scully. As she reached the door whatever was holding Mulder released him and he half fell half threw himself into the room. But before he could get more than a few feet two long sinister looking tentacles reached in and grabbed him. He clawed at the floor to keep from being dragged back into the darkness, screaming for his partner.

"SCULLY please help me!"

"Sorry Mulder the game's over."

At that second he was pulled back into the dark swirling waters that had now reached the top of the door frame he barked out. "I love you."

"Oh brother," was the last thing he heard.


	4. Chapter 4

Mulder shot up with an alarmed grunt, his heart pounding he began to cough and sputter. His body shaking, he reached out for the half empty glass of water and gulped down the rest.

His pounding head slumped down as he sadly rubbed the back of his head with his sweaty palm. Lifting his eyes he focused on the glass he held in his right hand, he pressed the slightly cool surface against his forehead. Then suddenly enraged he hurled the heavy bar glass down on the hardwood floor, it bounced once before shattering it into a hundred bright shards.

His body continued to quake as his eyes burned and his throat constricted. He balled up his fists. No goddamnit, he would not allow himself to fall apart this way. He fought for control and bit back the raging tide of emotions that threatened to sweep him away.

When he finally steadied himself he began to ache, what was left of his heart blew apart in that moment. Because he realized what had to be done, no matter what it did to him, no matter that it would tear him apart, he would have to let her go. What he felt didn't come into this and he knew that there could never be more than friendship between them. Because he couldn't be the man for her, there was no way he could be good enough. He was just too far gone, he was damaged and he couldn't allow himself to drag her down any further than he already had.

Scully deserved better than him so even though it would hurt him worse than anything he could imagine he'd let her go. In the hopes that by doing so he'd be able to keep their partnership intact. Though they'd never be what he wanted them to be, at least he'd keep her friendship.

Of course there was no way in hell she'd let this blow over without some kind of confrontation. Mulder knew that, he only hoped that she'd give him enough time to prepare for it. To steel himself to do the hardest thing he'd ever have to do. He was going to have to look her in the eye and give the most convincing lie he'd ever uttered.

After that he'd have to die inside, that would be the only way he'd be able to function. He'd have to pretend that she was merely a friend, that he felt nothing else for her and more importantly that he wanted it that way. She could never know what she meant to him.

As he considered it he thought as long as she didn't cry he could pull it off. But even as that thought entered his brain he dismissed it as absolutely ludicrous. Scully would never, ever let him see her cry, that had already happened once. He knew better than to think it'd happen again. If there was any crying to be done it would be alone, for both of them. Neither would be breaking down in front of the other. Once he betrayed her like this she'd never let him in again. He knew it was for the best, at least it was what was best for her even if it killed something inside him.

It would hurt like hell for a long time, perhaps for the rest of his life. But just like every other crushing blow he'd survive it and no one but he would know how much it hurt. He had gotten along for years being unloved he just hid behind that wall. He'd always had the reputation of being uncaring and self-absorbed, there were those who were convinced he was a walking heart-donor. That reputation had always served it's purpose and though he'd let it slip when Scully came into his life for her sake and his own it was time to become the unfeeling bastard everyone thought he was. For once in his life he was going to protect her at any cost.

XXXXXXXX

Scully paced around her bedroom she had left Mulder hours ago and yet here she was still agonizing over the whole thing. What was more she was worried about him, nothing new there. She had picked up the phone a dozen times intending to check on him. After all she did tell him she would call him later, and now it was later. Much later. But every time she pressed her finger to punch in the number she talked herself out of it.

/I gave him Ambien, he's asleep now. If I call I'll just wake him up and God knows he needs the rest. I can talk to him tomorrow. /

She went back to sit on the edge of her bed hoping that some divine revelation would just suddenly hit her. She hated this, hated that this was even an issue.

/When the hell did life get so complicated? Oh right about the same time you walked into the office of the FBI's most unwanted. /

All at once with that thought the clarity she was waiting for hit her. That's how Mulder saw himself, everyday she'd seen that in him. He had lived his entire life being unwanted, there was no way she could even imagine what that must feel like. All this time and she never realized that the man he was today was crafted all these many years by his feelings of being unwanted. She wondered how he'd done it, how he had overcome those feelings and accomplished all he had. What kind of person would she have been if she had felt unwanted all her life?

Despite his pain-in-the-ass exterior she knew his feelings ran deep, especially his feelings for her. Now she realized that she was now part of the reason he continued on with the work. He shouted it out to her a thousand different times in a thousand different ways. She was what kept him going. He'd said so himself.

/You make me a whole person. /

That was right before they'd taken her from him yet again. But Mulder being Mulder managed to get himself almost shot in the head, the bullet that grazed him could've killed him. He proved once again that where she was concerned he was willing to do not just everything he could, but ANYTHING he could to save her. So he did what he does best, he escaped from a hospital and trekked himself to Antarctica to find her or die trying.

Now she herself had proven time and time again that she was just as willing to do whatever she had to do for him. Isn't that what partners did? She knew their relationship went way beyond mere partners. There were things she had done for him without so much as a first thought let alone a second one. They just went round and round like that, year after year never getting anywhere. She put herself on the line for him, and he gave her everything he had, but still this hung between them. Now she knew it would never go away and it was clear even to her that it couldn't be ignored anymore, not even she could ignore it.

So she got up and quickly put her clothes back on and grabbed her purse and hurried out the door. She purposely didn't rush, she knew Mulder would be right where she left him. And she still wasn't sure what she'd say to him. She may have had a better insight into his feelings but it still didn't help her with the words. Hell she wasn't the psychologist, he was. Oh god that made her cringe, he was right he did have to fight her tooth and nail for just about everything.

Scully stood outside the door to apartment #42 for what seemed like hours, but what couldn't have been more that five or so minutes. She tried to talk herself out of this, he was sure to be asleep. Just then she heard a muffled sound from behind the door, it sounded like something falling over, she hoped it wasn't Mulder who fell. Forgetting her earlier hesitation, she gave a token knock at the door before opening it with her key.

"Mulder it's me are you ok?"

She walked into the semi-darkened apartment, her eyes taking a second to adjust to the faint light given off by the lamp on the desk. Mulder was trying to make his way back to the couch and had apparently knocked over his coat rack. Scully immediately crossed the room catching hold of him and guided him back to the couch.

"What were you doing? I thought you fell." She said as she helped him lay back down.

"I'm fine I just had to get up."

"Mulder you need to stay off your feet."

"I didn't really have a choice, it was either get up or something bad was gonna happen. Something that hasn't happened to me since I was two."

"Oh Mulder I'm sorry I didn't even think about that."

"It's ok Scully a man my age shouldn't need someone to hold his hand to go to the bathroom."

Scully walked over to the fallen coat rack and put it back in its spot and then noticed that one of the billiard balls was missing. She looked around a moment then spotted it under the desk she bent to pull it out and replaced it on the well-worn hook.

"Looks like you'll have to glue this back."

"Scully it's late what are you doing here?"

She looked at him hoping to gauge his demeanor, hoping she'd be able to get him to talk. "I told you I'd check on you later, well it's later so here I am."

Mulder looked her over, he knew she wasn't there simply to check on him. "So you came all this way at one o'clock in the morning, you could've called and saved yourself the trip."

"Ok so maybe that wasn't the only reason, I was hoping we could talk." She looked hopefully at him and sat down on the coffee table in what she hoped was a non-threatening posture.

Non-threatening or not, Mulder began to squirm, he should've know better. There was no way she'd let this go he knew she wouldn't be able to rest before they hashed this thing out. Damn he was hoping she'd give him a little more time.

"Scully there's nothing to talk about, I made an ass out of myself today. Can't we please just forget it?"

Scully reached across the gap and touched his hand. "Please Mulder, come on and talk to me."

Mulder slowly pulled his hand from under hers. "I think I said enough for one day, don't you think?"

Scully bit her lip; well she knew this wouldn't be easy. "I understand that you don't feel like talking but would you please listen to me?"

Mulder's head flopped forward and he let out a heavy sigh, better to get it over with now. "Look Scully I've had some time to think about things and I've come to a realization. When I said, what I said I wasn't really thinking straight. What I mean is that I had just been through some unbelievable things and I got carried away. I allowed myself to think I was feeling something more that what I really felt. I'm sorry I screwed up and I led you to believe that I felt more than I really did. I'm sorry about everything, the things I said and the way I acted. I was just...I don't know I just screwed up and I'm sorry."

Scully held her tongue and didn't say a word; she just let him get his speech out. When he was finished she looked him in the eye for a long moment. "So you mean that what you said in Florida wasn't really how you felt and that you only said it because of stress?"

Mulder nodded, hoping that she would buy that excuse and let the whole thing drop. He really didn't want to have to go through the agony of having to lie more convincingly.

"I'm sorry Mulder but I don't believe you."

"What the hell do you want from me!? What do you want me to say!?" If he could've gotten up he would've just to get away from her. Goddamnit why did she have to push so hard? What did she want from him? To see if he could give a better lie with even less emotion? Or did she just want him to tear out his own heart?

Scully recognized that look she saw in her partner's eyes, that one that screamed fight or flight. She knew that pushing him this way was dangerous, it might only push him further away. But they had to get around this misery.

"Would you tell me what you want from me Scully?"

She took a deep breath, "I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."

Mulder cocked his head and glared at her, leave it to Scully to cut right to the chase. So much for not having to offer his heart on a plate to Dr. Enigmatic. He fixed his gaze on her, the gaze that literally burned.

"I don't love you. I may have thought I did but now I see that I was wrong."

Scully searched his tormented eyes, looking for some spark of feeling. Oh he was good not even a flicker. He could be president with the ability to lie like that.

Mulder for his part watched her reaction; he didn't want to be forced into showing her what kind of real bastard he was capable of being.

"Mulder," she whispered. "I've had some time to think about this situation too and I also came to some realizations of my own. I know what you're trying to do, don't think I don't. I haven't been practically living with a psychologist all these years without learning something."

/Of course she knows, why was I stupid enough to think she wouldn't? What kind of fool did I take her for? /

"You know Mulder, I've worked side by side with you all this time, we've been closer than most people ever get to anyone. And still with all that I thought I knew you but I realize now that I never really saw you. From the beginning my judgment had been influenced by other people's prejudices against you. All those rumors and nick names, "Spooky Mulder", "world's only breathing heart donor" and all the rest. You crafted this persona so no one would want to get close to you."

"Scully" he warned. "If you have a point to all this please feel free to come to it."

"Wait Mulder let me finish. Those people who think of you like that haven't the vaguest idea of who you really are. Now I wonder how well I know you, if I once ever dropped all that crap and saw you for who you really are. I was thinking about that tonight and all of the sudden I saw you not "Spooky Mulder" You're not the man without feelings, You are the most passionate person I've ever met. I don't think I know anyone who's feelings run as deep as yours. But you keep all of that so hidden, I recognize that because that's exactly what I do." Scully paused a moment to give him time to process it all.

"Scully I really don't want to do this."

"Mulder I listened to you..."

He put up his hands in mock surrender. "Fine you want to analyze me I'm not in a position to bail out."

"Tonight I asked myself why you hide your feelings, why you hide behind that same wall I do. I realized the reason was right there all the time, you told me the first moment I met you. The very first thing you ever said to me was the nucleus of who you are. I knocked on your door and you said, "No one down her but the FBI's most unwanted." All your life since you were twelve you've seen yourself as unwanted. All this time you've been mistreated by people who were supposed to love you."

She took a deep breath and continued. "But you know that's not the sad part. The saddest part is that you feel like you deserved all of it. Because of the guilt over my abduction and the cancer you feel like you deserve it even from me."

She looked at him, daring him to disagree when he didn't she went on.

"That's why you don't let anyone in because you feel unwanted. That's why you don't have many people in your life that you really care about. And your emotions run so deep that it's all or nothing for those few people you do care for."

Mulder's heart started pounding, Why was she doing this to him? No one was supposed to know those things about him. "Scully y...you have to go now I...I don't want to have this conversation." He tried to get up off the couch in hopes of getting her out of there. But she pressed her hand against his shoulder nudging him back down.

"You know some people say they'll walk through fire for their loved ones and friends, but everyone knows that's just something people say. But with you it isn't, when you say it you really mean it. I have no doubt that you would willingly walk through anything for those you care about. I also know that those people are very few and that I am at the top of that list. That's why you did this, why you lied to me. Because you would rather sacrifice your own feelings rather than mine because you want to protect me. That's your motto, protect at all costs. And if that cost is your feelings you won't even think twice. I guess deep down I knew all this stuff a long time ago, I knew your feelings ran that deep."

She stopped waiting for a reaction, but Mulder didn't even offer one save for the slight blush.

"You want to know when I finally admitted it to myself?"

She gave a token pause for his answer, but he just stared at her.

"Modell, when he told you to point the gun at yourself. There was no hesitation; you didn't even try to struggle. Why? Because you knew that he'd have that gun pointed at me next and if you took the bullet he wouldn't get me. The only time you fought was when the gun was pointed at me. It took everything you had to fight him. That's why I reacted the way I did in Florida, your devotion runs so deep and that scared me. To have all that passion directed to me was frightening. And because I didn't know if I could return that level of feeling."

Mulder's hands went up. "Scully stop! You think you can just sit there and unlock everything about me? Maybe I don't want you to know what my 'spooky' mind is thinking. Maybe I don't want you at all. What the hell are you trying to do to me?"

"I'm trying to understand you."

"Well don't."

"Mulder this thing between us won't go away no matter how hard we try to ignore it."

"Look I told you earlier that what I said was a mistake and that you didn't have to worry because I wouldn't let it happen again all I can do is say I'm sorry what more do you want from me?"

"Stop apologizing you didn't do anything wrong, I'm the one who needs to apologize to you." She put a hand up to stop his protest before he could utter it.

"Don't say it Mulder, yes I do need to apologize and no I don't want to just forget it. That's what we always do and I'm so sick of it. Both of us hurting in silence all the while we're screaming inside. I should've known that night you meant what you said. If there's one thing you never do is say things you don't mean at least where your feelings are concerned. Because you never voice your feelings. You hold everything inside, I don't know maybe you don't want to burden me with your feelings. I know better than to think it was drug induced. And when you do tell me how you feel I know the feeling runs a lot deeper than the actual words."

Mulder rubbed his face with his hands and then through his hair. "Ok so you figured me out, now what, can we please put this past us?"

"Not before I tell you what I came to say."

"Jesus Christ Scully, what more could you possibly have to say?"

Decision time, put up or shut up as her father would always say. She could lay it all right here on the line or sweep it all back under the rug. She could almost hear Melissa asking her. "What is it you want Dana? Find out what it is and then just get it but don't be afraid to hold on."

"Mulder I don't know how you're going to take this, I don't even have the right words but that feeling you have of being unwanted is a lie. You're not unwanted because I want you. As my partner, as my best friend but most of all I want to love you. I'm ready now to take whatever you can give and I'll give right back Tonight was just like a switch had been flipped and I realized you've become what I can't live without. So I'm asking you to forgive me and to let me love you and for you to love me."

Mulder's moth was moving but the words just weren't coming out. He couldn't process, couldn't even form the thought let alone speech.

"Scully I... I don't think..."

"That's good we do too much thinking as it is."

"Scully why are you doing this, are you saying what you think I want to hear?"

She gave a little laugh at that one. "Almost seven years we've been together, how many times have I said something because it was what you wanted to hear? I know you find it hard to believe but I finally decided to allow myself to love you and I've loved you for a very long time."

"Please Scully, I have been wrong about every woman who's ever crossed my path."

"Because you were waiting for the right one, You're not wrong about me Mulder I promise. Just like I'm not wrong about you."

Mulder sat up and reached his hand out slowly to hers. She met him in the middle, twining his long fingers in her own.

"Scully?"

"Yes?"

"I... I love you."

She reached up and cupped his cheek. "I love you too, Mulder."

Mulder's entire face lit up with the most unbelievable smile Scully had ever seen on him. "I'd like to finish what I started."

"What's that?"

"This."

He reached behind her neck and pulled her to him slowly cradling her face in his large hands as her hair fell around them. He brought his mouth down to kiss the very corner of her upturned mouth as their eyes slipped shut then softly melded his lips to hers.

* * *

END

Author's Notes: Mulder's B-ball buddy, Kevin Thomas was based on the character seen briefly in Two Fathers at the court. Though his personality is my own creation and based on an actual player who was a senior varsity forward when I was in high school. A great many things inspired this work. Most notably that famous or infamous scene in "Triangle." Also I guess a rather lengthy blue period couldn't have hurt the creative process any. Of course there's always music with which to wallow in said creative misery. Sarah Mac always lends herself so well to angst. Some of my heart wrenching favorites are Mirrorball and Jude Cole's "View from 3rd St., Peter Gabriel's Us, especially "Love to be Loved" and "Talk to Me" and Phil Collins' "All of My Life" As for the background music for the b-ball game that was one of my recent experiences at a neighborhood court. When I was subjected to the HOT 96.7, a steady stream of Boy Bands, and various other mainstream offerings. But it wasn't a total loss, at least it provided inspiration.


End file.
